Montreal is a great city and as it is really close to us we spend lots of time on the prowl there. Included in this guide are some helpful bits of information about hotels, things to do, and bars to see. First and foremost you should know that Montreal is mostly Francophone speaking and all outdoor (and most indoor) signs are in French only (it is actually illegal to have English or Bilingual signs outside). However almost anyone involved in customer service can speak some English so you should be able to communicate.

Where to Stay

Montreal has many great hotels. We don't usually use hotels in the city (on most occasions the Montreal Urban Police spring for our accommidations) but we will give you a few good leads on what is available for each price range.

The Queen Elizabeth Hotel. The best hotel in town, located right downtown but very expensive. You get what you pay for.

The Holiday Inn Downtown. Nice hotel for a decent price. In the center of downtown.

The Novotel. Decent accommidations for a budget price. Two Blocks south of the main drag. this is the place if you are just looking for a place to sleep

My Buddy Nicks Place. A cozy little appartment with a comfy couch. Very cheap but reservations go fast!

General things to do (a.k.a. good clean fun)

There are a wide variety of things to do while you are in the city. Here are some of our suggestions.

Go to the Olympic Stadium and visit. They have lots of things to do there including a Biodome (very exciting stuff if you like plants), a ride up the Olympic tower on a outdoor elevator and a tour. While your there you can catch a Montreal Expo's game and watch them lose. O.K. their not that bad considering the entire teams budget is less than some U.S. teams pay one player. I guess they are the best team money can't buy.

Catch the Just for Laughs comedy festival. Comics from around the world converge on Montreal for a week of comic maddness. The Nasty Show is recommended for those of you without children.

Come on down to the Molson Center and watch the Canadiens hockey team play a game. Buy your tickets in advance cause the games are always full and the scalpers are expensive.

Take a stroll down into Old Montreal. Authentic cobblestone streets, great places to eat, and lots of activities abound. You can eat like a king for less than $20 bucks U.S. a person.

Take that special Canukette on a horse and buggy tour up Mont Royal. There is a fantastic view from the top and the ride is VERY romantic.

Check out the Lachine Rapids for white water rafting (don;t worry about the kids it's in a pretty big boat) or head down to the old docks for a cruise of the St Lawrence river.

Catch the yearly Jazz Festival. Established and rising jazz stars put on free public concerts and cheap private concerts every year. Once again this isn't a Canuck activity but to each his/her own

Le Grand Prix de Montreal. It only comes once a year but what a rush. Make sure to book your hotel way in advance because rooms are scarce when the Grand Prix is in town. I also suggest you use the Metro system to get to the Grand Prix because traffic is unreal.

Things to Do for Adults (Remember we include something for everyone and do not endorse Escorts, or Strip Bars)

Montreal is a very liberal city and you will find many things here you probably will not get at home. All stores sell beer and wine until 11p.m but not after. The drinking/smoking age in Quebec is 18 and make sure you have I.D. (or at least good fake I.D.) because you will be carded.

The Casino is definitly worth a visit. Any cab driver can get you there for a five bucks or so from downtown. Blackjack is expensive as most tables have a $25 minimum bet but if you look carefully in a few corners there are $10 tables. Many slots and other games in this huge complex. The dinner shows are great but last time I was there it was 100% French only. Not real good for tourists.

If thats what turns your crank, there are many strip bars in Montreal of different quality. I would recommend staying downtown. Some of the bars downtown are the Super Sex, Downtown, Chez Paris, or The Amazon (not exactly downtown but worth the 3 minute drive). Most bars have a small cover to get in and a 2 drink minimum.

Escorts services are legal in Quebec. If that is what gives you your giggles they can be found in the yellow pages or in the back of any newspaper in the classifieds (under heading escorts). The Goofy Canucks remind you to please wrap your whopper.

The Comedy Nest and Comedy Works have live comic show every night but they are adults only (bar serves alcohol). Most nights your $10 door charge buys you about an hour and a half to two hours of live comedy and improv. If you are sensitive and can't take a joke please go somewhere else. These are not family shows.

If you need drugs while in Montreal please feel free to visit one of our fine pharmacies, or phone your local police station to get set up with anything the pharmacy does not offer. When talking with the constable please tell them the Goofy Canucks sent you.

Goofy Canucks List of Bars

Here is a partial list of some bars and nightclubs in the downtown area. Please remember that the drinking age in Quebec is 18 and you will need valid I.D. to get in the door and if you get in last call is at 3 a.m. Here in Canada the beer is a little stronger than what some are used to so pace yourself. There is nothing worse than walking into a bathroom and having to listen to some dumb tourist hurl up his Labbats in the next stall. Not a real big hit with the ladies either. Speaking of ladies I should add that Montreal is home to some of the best looking and friendliest girls on the planet. There is nothing a Montreal woman likes more than getting a chance to dress up and step out on the town.

Bill Edwards Cheers This bar has it all. Downstairs on the first floor is a traditional pub style bar with three bars and lots of chairs. Second floor has one large bar and a nice dance floor with a live D.J. Third floor has one bar and two pool tables for those sharks who can't dance. Bob and both agree that in our opinion this is the best bar in town. The people are friendly, the prices are good and the atmosphere is homey. It has something for everyone and we strongly recommend it. Look for Wayne or Andy behind the bar, those boys can mix a drink. We can also be found here on every other Saturday night so come on over and buy us a beer.

The Old Dublin This is an Irish style pub that looks pretty dumpy from the outside but has a ton of character. Any time I've been here the bar is usually full and there is always some good music playing. It's a rather intimate place and they have live music on the weekends. Worth paying a visit

Peel Pub This is the bar with the cheapest beer in town. They have eats as well but not a lot of atmosphere. Kind of place you can find anywhere. It's good when your running a bit low on cash.

Buzz Bar A hopping place run by the BUZZ radio station in Platsburgh N.Y. Picard can be found spinning live tunes on weekends. Drinks are cheap but the crowd is pretty young for us old farts.

Angie's Three floors of dancing and drinking but last time I was here the crowd was pretty stuck up. Give it try and let me know

The Scratch This is a great pool bar in Lasalle (literally translates to the dirty). You can buy your table by the hour and play till your heart is content. Never a shortage of tables here.

Mad Hatters This was one of Montreals great bars until they rebuilt. Now it's just another place. Worth a visit on a slow night but not what it used to be.

Some other bars worth mentioning that I haven't been to in a while are "The Dome", "MkGibbens Irish Pub", "Winnies", and "Thursdays". If I get a chance I'll visit them and let you all know.

Cancun is one of the best cities we have ever been too. I can't begin to describe how much fun this place is. The beaches are incredible, the people are friendly and very nice, the town itself is almost entirely new (Cancun wasn't built until the seventies) and the weather is unbeatable. This is THE ULTIMATE party town that we have had the pleasure of visiting. In this guide I have tried to include everything we learned while down there this year but as with most resort towns there are new and more exciting attractions opening all the time so if you have anything you would like to add to this guide please contact us.

Cancun Consists of two parts. The Hotel zone is a strip of land about 20 km long facing the Carribean Ocean on one side and the Laguna Nichupte on the other. All hotels are on the Ocean side however as swimming in the Laguna is not recommended (a little matter of the local crocodile and sea snake population). On the other side of the Laguna is Downtown Cancun where there are a few cheaper hotels and many restaurants and services. This is where the locals live. We recommend you stay within the hotel zone or within sight of Talum Av. when downtown. We were warned about exploring the downtown area away from Talum Av. as it can be very rough for Gringos. You can pick up a free and very helpful information booklet/map at the Cancun international airport when you arrive.

Things to do in Cancun

This is a good sized list so we have tried to break it up into a few subcategories.

Mayan Ruins

The ruins of Chichinitza are the best ruins within a days trip of Cancun. This immense complex of over 300 temples and buildings is open to the public. This was our first choice of ruins to visit. There is a 3 hour bus trip each way so bring along a deck of cards. Almost every Hotel has a tour package to Chichinitza. Bring along a VideoCamera if you can but be prepared to pay a 50 peso fee to bring it into the park. Get started on your stairmaster if you want to climb Il Castillo. Pictures are available on our pictures page.

The ruins of Talum are closer than Chichenitza, about one and a half hours south of Cancun. These smaller ruins are directly on the coast and not inland like most of the others. This excursion is usually offered in a half day format with the other half of the day spent at Xel Ha (see watersports).

The Ruins Del Ray are directly in the hotel zone of Cancun. These are very small and we never had a chance to see them but they are the closest.

The Ruins of Calakmul can only be reached in one day by airplane from Cancun but are supposed to be the best in Mexico. If your budget is a little bigger than ours you should fly on down and check them out.

Some others we did not get a chance to visit include Coba, Uxmal, Maypan, Kabah, Labna, Sayil, and Dzitbalchen.

Watersports

Isla Mujeres (Island of Women) is a great spot to get in some snorkeling and shopping. This Island is about 10 minutes off the coast and has several nice reefs and beaches.

Cozumel is about an hour and a half away. Excursions there are supposed to be fantastic for diving and snorkeling

Xel Ha is a natural snorkeling park near Talum. This park was great. You start up in the hills in a narrow fresh water (and COLD) gorge and can snorkel down it's entire length to the Ocean. They also have a Hammock Island where you can spend an hour or two having a siesta.

Xcaret is another natural park in the same area but we did not visit here. I was told it is very overpriced ($69 per person U.S.) for almost the same experience you can have at Xel Ha. The biggest difference is you can opt to swim with the dolphins for a few bucks extra or swim through the undergound caverns.

Aqua World is a marina in the hotel zone that sells many different excursions. We tried the snorkeling excursion and found it O.K. for the price. They have a glass bottomed boat called the subsee explorer, parasailing, jet skis, etc...

Wet N Wild is a water park at the far end of the hotel zone. They have water slides, wave pools, snorkeling area, sky coaster, and the lazy river.

The interactive aquarium wasn't open yet when we were there but should be open any time soon. it looked really interesting and is located in La Isla Mall.

Shopping

There are several malls and markets in Cancun. It really depends on what you're looking for. Some of the malls are very expensive and offer assorted jewelry and other fine goods while the markets are open are stalls where you can try and bargain yourself a good price

We have to recommend the Coral Negro market as it is right in the hotel zone and very clean and neat compared to some of the others. Remember to read our guide to bargaining before you try and outwit the salesman

If a mall is more your style we would suggest La Isla. It's a very nice and large with lots to choose from.

Bars and Nightclubs

Back to our favorite part, the nightlife. Cancun is chock full of great bars and nightclubs. Most hotels have a special tour bus that goes to a different club every night. We recommend you shop around before choosing a club for the night because most bars have promotions like Mini Skirt night, or Ladies Drink Free, or my favorite No Cover charge night. The average cover is $10 U.S. to get in the door and $20 U.S. for all you can drink. Watch that one because in all the bars we hit you have to go upstairs to the top floor to get your free drinks and that can be quite a chore with 3000 other people packed in the bar not to mention you are guarenteed to lose your coveted space on the dance floor. Drinks can be pretty expensive in most of the big name clubs so if you are on a budget you might want to have a few before you leave your hotel and the pick up a case of beer from the local store on your way home. We have to warn you about the shooter girls down there. If you hear a whistle blow anywhere in your vicinity RUN! These girls do not like to take no for an answer and at 20 pesos a shot you can run up a pretty expensive bill in a night. They will try anything to get you to buy a shot but if you just ignore them they will go away.

Coco Bongo's: lets start with the best first. This is the bar in Cancun. this place is HUGE. There are three floors of action, laser shows, live dancers, The Mask acrobatic/dance show, great music and one hell of a party atmosphere. If you are feeling brave feel free to jump up on the main bar and dance. We tried other places but just seemed to always keep heading back here. $10 cover and $20 all you can drink (third floor only). This is not the bar for you if you don;t like to dance. There are almost no tables and most of the building is dance space. It's almost like a rave without the drugs and with a latin flair.On a normal night we would estimate there are 3000+ people here. No Video Camera's allowed inside, sorry. Check out our pictures page to see inside Coco Bongo's.

Senior Frog's: This is Jeff's other favorite bar (Bob wasn't so hot on it) and it really rocks. This is probably the smallest bar we visited but it is really strong on atmosphere. $3.50 cover buys you a yard glass you can keep and entry for the night. They have live music as well as a live D.J. for breaks and they play American music. A great dance floor and an indoor waterslide. Woe unto you if you dare to enter a contest on stage and lose cause you will be escorted to the waterslide (fully clothed) by several large men, where you get to ride the the waterslide out into the lagoon and crawl back into the bar sopping wet through a window. One poor guy puked doing a beer drinking contest on stage and they sent him down twice! Beer is cheaper than most here running 75 pesos or $7.50 U.S. for a yard (three bottles). Shooter girls are everywhere but if you dance on the dance floor you are almost guarenteed some free tequila from the squirt bottle the D.J. keeps on stage. Lots of girls flashing their chests here for free t-shirts. If you want to see how macho you are try the shock box. They hook two guys up to a battery and pump up the juice till the loser lets go. The highest I got was level 12 and my hair was standing on end, let us know how you did.

Dady'O: This is a very cool bar that was Bob's other favorite (Jeff was so/so on it) that is right across the street from Coco Bongo. This bar is made up to look like the inside of a volcano and they did a great job, with lava tube hallways everywhere. There is a $10 cover to get in and it's $20 for all you can drink (only on the top floor). The music here is all techno, with a pounding beat and they have a decent sized dance floor with lots of tables and chairs on the upper floors for those who aren't big on dancing.

Christines: This is supposed to be a big bar but on the night we went it was almost empty. Before you pay to get in ask to check it out first.

La Boom: One of the few big bars we missed, La Boom is supposed to rival Coco's but it's quite further from the Hotel Zone core.

Batachat: This is the place if you like to Salsa. There is an older crowd here

General Tips

The bus system in Cancun is great. There is a Bus every minute during the day and every two minutes at night. Just tell the bus driver where you want to go and he will signal you when you are at the right stop. A ticket anywhere in town costs 5 pesos or 50 cents U.S.

Never pay the asking price for anything. Mexicans love to bargain and you can usually get a deal on almost anything besides food.

Don't but stuff on the beach or on excursion because you will be overcharged. Never buy silver anywhere but a good jewery store or it will turn black by the time you get home

Take it easy on the tequila

The Canucks number one rule is NEVER pay the asking price. It doesn't matter if you are in a third world coconut shop or your local K-Mart bargains are yours for the asking. Most merchants (especially in developing countries) have plenty of room to manoever in their list prices and as a buisnessman I know I would rather sell something for a 20% profit than nothing for a 50% profit. The best advice we can offer is don;t be afraid to haggle. Below are a few rules of thumb that seem to work for us.

1) Know how much you want to pay. Don't worry about the asking price but ask yourself how much is this item worth to me.

2) Don't insult them. Keep your offers reasonable or they won't think you are a serious buyer.

3) Shop around. Make sure you get a price from 3 or 4 different places before you decide to buy. Usually the further you get into a marketplace the cheaper the prices.

4) Don't be a pushover. The shopkeeper will give you the whole spiel on his 38 children and 4 wives and back alimony and the three legged dog that needs a liver transplant but don't fall for it. Sympathy has no place in bargaining.

5) Know your markups. As a general rule of thumb most merchant asking price is 2 to 3 times their cost. Keep that in mind. If he asks you for 15 bucks you can probably get it for $6.

6) Don't be afraid to leave. You walk out the door and he might chase you down and give you the price you wanted. if not his neighbour is probably selling the same thing. No one is making you stay in that store.

7) Don't get confused. I have seen someone talk themselves into paying 500 pesos for two hats from 225 pesos from one. The salseman had the guy so confused he never noticed he just screwed himself out of 50 pesos. take your time and think things out

8) Be friendly. A smile goes a lot further than an insult in getting a good deal.

9) Buy in bulk. Need something for Aunt Martha in Talahusa or Uncle Bubba in Little Rock? Buy two or three items in one store and look for a bigger discount.

10) Sex sells. Don't be afraid to flirt a little with the salesman (note this works better for women than men). I know it's sexist but if I had a set of 36'c cups I would use em too!.